I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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