My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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