WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Randomize
