I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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