I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
