You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
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After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
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