I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Randomize
