I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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