Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
