I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
