Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
