Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
whose ass print is on the piano?
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize