I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
