you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
