on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
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