I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
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