Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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