i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
