Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
