Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
