If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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