I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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