i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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