there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
