I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
