She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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