I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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