jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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