Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
