for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
