thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
