I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I still have a little drunk in my system
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
