Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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