just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Randomize
