I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
My life is pants optional.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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