how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
We need to get me chipped asap
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
