Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
