I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
