he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
