On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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