I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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