I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
