My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
