So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Randomize
