I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Randomize
