Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
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