Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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