you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
