yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
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