You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
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It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
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I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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