Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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