dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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