One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
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